Monday, April 7, 2014

downward spiral

This has not been easy.  We're stuck in a repetitive,  destructive, yet comfortable cycle. i say we're done, and we are for about a week. Next thing i know we're in the same place again. Monday morning, i'm tired, drained, sad, hurt, frustrated, and left wanting.
...
so all of my exes are married. its not that part that bothers me. what hurts is that i'm the common denominator as to why it didn't work. they all found a way to make things work with other people. so here i am again, desperately trying to figure out wth is wrong with me? what am i deficient in?  what am/do i doing/do wrong? what is so awful about me that the idea of committing to me makes them run?
These are the questions that plague/burden me most days. These are the questions that make my single life unbearable. These are the questions that make me comb through each memory, trying to pinpoint just what i did or didn't do, what i said or didnt say.

i'm exhausted, yet i go back.  Because in those moments i don't feel deficient, or broken, or unwanted, or unloved, or second best.  Those moments help me get through the week, even though i know they're manufactured. Even though i know Monday morning i will be in worse shape than i was before. Even though i know he will do the same as the others.