Monday, April 7, 2014

downward spiral

This has not been easy.  We're stuck in a repetitive,  destructive, yet comfortable cycle. i say we're done, and we are for about a week. Next thing i know we're in the same place again. Monday morning, i'm tired, drained, sad, hurt, frustrated, and left wanting.
so all of my exes are married. its not that part that bothers me. what hurts is that i'm the common denominator as to why it didn't work. they all found a way to make things work with other people. so here i am again, desperately trying to figure out wth is wrong with me? what am i deficient in?  what am/do i doing/do wrong? what is so awful about me that the idea of committing to me makes them run?
These are the questions that plague/burden me most days. These are the questions that make my single life unbearable. These are the questions that make me comb through each memory, trying to pinpoint just what i did or didn't do, what i said or didnt say.

i'm exhausted, yet i go back.  Because in those moments i don't feel deficient, or broken, or unwanted, or unloved, or second best.  Those moments help me get through the week, even though i know they're manufactured. Even though i know Monday morning i will be in worse shape than i was before. Even though i know he will do the same as the others.

Monday, March 17, 2014

finally figrued it out

ive had the hardest time freeing myself of him. i could not for the life of me figure out why. i've pushed him away so many times, and always end up back at square one.  it finally hit me that i'm that girl that i said i never wanted to be. it's embarrassing, not to mention pathetic, but i've finally figured out the root for my addiction to him.

I can be myself. i'm me with him. whatever i feel like saying i can say. whatever i feel like doing i can do.  w/o the worry of being judged or laughed at or berated for.  and my God it feels....freeing.  yes the very thing i'm bound to frees me. it makes no sense. Because i feel free to be me, i want him to have the same freedom. Where nothing said or done is judged. i want him to have the same freeing  feeling when he's around me.

i can't even articulate this feeling well. i'm not doing it justice.   i've only felt this way with one other person.  i don't know what happens next with this. it will probably end badly, but if i could share this with the masses i would.

so just in case, this is it, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be myself with you.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Jesus is what i need

*Deep Sigh* i'm in a place i don't want to be. Doing a job that i really don't want to do. Getting paid far less than degree and experience should allow. Why am i here? Because this is where God has me. 

That last statement has been one of THE most difficult things for me to come to terms with. i'm in this place, making very little money, working harder than i should, because God has me here.  Everything in my being wants to pack up and get the hell out of here, but the Holy Spirit continues to remind me that i have been called to be obedient.

i'm so tired of where i am i spend most of my time looking for jobs. So this morning as i prayed a cried (my usual routine now) i begged the Holy Spirit to reveal what/why God has me in this less than favorable place.

i felt compelled to go and watch messages i'd missed from church, and i'm listening, and crying, and at minute 42 i heard what God wanted me to hear. This is also what i struggle with most.

Yet compelled, driven,by the Holy Spirit, once again saying goodbye to some of the closest friends I
had, some of the people I loved most deeply, those I walked in community with, who I was confessing to, who were encouraging my faith... For the third time , I said goodbye to those friends, who were going to continue to travel the world, and moved up here.  I Throughout all of those moves, what I needed to be reminded of was not that this success in this moment is God's validation that I'm walking in obedience, but rather Christ himself is the treasure. Less money and smaller crowds aren't God's judgment or a sign of a lack of success, but rather, if I get more of Jesus with less money and smaller crowds, then it's not a loss; it's a win.need the Spirit to remind me of this all the time. I needed him to remind me of it this morning as I walked out here, lest I shrink back in fear for my desire to be approved of by you. I need the Holy Spirit to remind me Jesus is what I need. Jesus validates me. Jesus is my all. I need the Holy Spirit to constantly remind me of this. This is how we become witnesses under the power of the Holy Spirit. We confess with our lives that Jesus is Lord. We begin to do ministry as Jesus did, walking with, working with, loving on the least of these, and we are constantly reminded of the goodness and mercy of Jesus as our greatest pursuit and greatest treasure. So there's the power , and there's the purpose:them being witnesses.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Why don't you love me?

so it didn't work. you'd think i'd learn, stop being a glutton for punishment. all i keep asking myself is, 'why don't they want me?

So as usual, its on to the next big thing. move, get another degree, travel, something. Anything to take my mind away from the embarrassment. hurt.

What's so awful about me? that i should just begin to expect this. 

Thursday, February 20, 2014

rat race

Life is a roller coaster. Thrilling take offs, painful jerks, and terrifying drops.  After i graduated, while most people are adamantly searching for employment, i told God, i'd be ok if I didn't have a full time job. Well i got a job. i've been full time for 5 months, and i feel more stressed out here than in Japan, and there i lived through the Great Japan Earthquake.  how was that less stressful than this??