Friday, December 13, 2013

Thank God for the Holy Spirit

Beyonce dropped an album last night, w/o warning or publicity.  Today i find myself comparing every part of my life to this woman. She is Beyoutiful, amazingly talented, and has a body of a  goddess. and here i stand pretty (but not Beyoutiful), smart (but not super talented), and a body i'd trade with her in a minute.

i mean i really got worked up. i'd allowed myself to get wrapped up in this person. Some1 i don't know, and will probably never meet. i mean i began questioning everything i'd done/not done. looked up cosmetic surgeons. researched PR firms in NYC. Was on the edge of tears thinking my God i'm not as pretty or talented as this woman. my grown 29 yo self felt like a 15year old teenager.

Thank God for the Holy Spirit. i was reminded that i was made in the image of God. Knitted together just the way He wanted me. Designed fulfill His purpose for my life, like only i can do. That i was created to mimic after the person hood of Christ. That Christ is the perfect example, and i am called to follow Him.  That operating outside of the will of God is asking for detriment. That pursuing a life outside of Christ is damnation.  That only what is done for Christ will last. That all of this is temporary. That one day Beyonce will be all but forgotten, and as popular, as she is, that its all temporary vanity. 


whew, i almost lost it



Thursday, November 14, 2013

Young, Dumb, and full of...

Had a convo with my brother tonight. usually i think his advice would be best used on someone else, but not tonight. He got me thinking. Why was i attracted to a certain type of guy?
A really good guy friend once told me that I was attracted to projects. I like to fix people problems. Well I like to attempt to fix  people problems. That always resulted in failure.
But there was this one guy. We’ll call him Mr. Smith. This man was a man. With all of the others I had something over them. I was smarter book wise, older, had a better handle of money, and career focused. Not this one, he was a few years older, welltraveled, not intimidated, and taught me things, that no one else ever had.
He taught me how to buy a dress shirt for a man, how to tie a tie, that panties and bras should match lol, and other things I won’t mention here. He would drive an hour one way just to spend time with me and then drive me back an hour home.
He cooked for me all the time and I don’t mean fried bologna and eggs. Once he made cheesecake for me from scratch, it was sooo good.
 He made me want to be better. He challenged me. Made think beyond books…and I want that back.
I was too young then, and didn’t realize what I was losing. We ended amicably, and ran into each other a year later. By then I’d changed too much, I wanted to show I was over him (i wasn’t).
Mr. Smith is married now. Heard he has 2 kids. I’m happy for him.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

My brain on hormones

*on pinterest* Oh that place is beautiful i need to go there ——> but i don’t want to go there alone ———> but i probably will, i mean i’m damn near 30 and single and some places you don’t want to go with girlfriends———> plus they’re all married / engaged anyway ———> which is really mind boggling. they got chose & i didn’t—————> *deep sigh* *throat gets tight*—> *eyes water* ——-> all of my exes are married, WITH KIDS ————-> *blinks back tears* ———-> maybe there is something wrong with me——-> *picks up pen writes down flaws*———> oh God at this rate i’ll never…don’t say it ———-> *flips page over writes down accomplishments*———> who gives a $h*t degrees can’t cuddle———>*begins searching for PhD programs*———> damn these people look smart—————-> but i’m smart too——-> a smart @$$ at times, but smart nonetheless——-> *remembers someone saying* guys don’t like smart girls——-> but guys like girls with nice bodies ———> *does 25 crunches*———-> *checks facebook writes a fake congratulations on an engagement, wedding, baby or job promotion* ———> my life sucks huge b@ll$————> *throat gets tight and water works start*————>WHY?????? ————-> *some inspirtional/religious quote gets read*———> *dries eyes* ———> its just not your time right now, it doesn’t mean never. I should go on a trip——-> searches pinterest for places for singles to travel
*It’s only been 5 minutes*
This is probably one of the most honest things i’ve written. I’m kind of embarassed, but its the truth.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Money Matter$

Money is important to me.

 it is important to me because i did not grow up having much of it, and understand how big a difference just $5 more dollars can make.

i remember waiting with my mom in the food stamp office,
                                                       living in section 8 housing,
    eating free/reduced lunches at school,
                                                                               and getting Christmas gifts from a local fire department.

i remember my mom telling me that she would go to the movies alone, just so she could cry, by herself in the dark.  i remember getting clothes from thrift $tores, not because it was trendy, but because that's what we could afford.
i remember i swore that when i got older i would never buy powdered milk, now i just don't drink milk at all.                       i remember thinking 'my mom is super cre8ive' not knowing it was because she had to be.

i'd promised myself that when i got older, i would not live like this. That if i had kids they would never hear me say, 'well baby i'm proud of you, but i don't think we can afford that'.

yes $ is important to me, and i will not apologize.

                                                   i've not asked to be a millionaire. i didn't want  the newest car, or the most expensive clothes. i wanted to not worry about not getting sick because i didn't have insurance, or being able to pay rent, or choosing which bill was more important to pay.                          Or buying my siblings the gifts they wanted because i knew mom couldn't afford the new PS2, and dangit they have it hard enough, and should have new nice stuff.

Yes, there is someone in some country, that has it so much harder than i do, and my needs aren't comparable to theirs. And i understand that, and try to do my part to consider others. i take 2 angels from the angel tree every year, and buy clothes for a kid who is the same situation i was in for the new school year, and i have a beautiful 5 year old little girl i sponsor every month.  i get it.


i
 just
      dont
             want
                   scrape
                            by
                        for
                    the
             rest
         of
    my
life




Monday, September 30, 2013

Eternity

i don't like suffering. in fact i despise the idea that for some period of time, i will be in some sort of pain, and in some way it is for my good/growth/betterment.

i'm in a very interesting place in my life. This is the first time, that things are not going smoothly according to plan. don't get me wrong i've definitely had hiccups in my life, but on the whole, i set goals/plans, and have been able to see those things come to fruition. But it seems that beautiful time of my life has come to a whip-lashing halt. my life is not going according to plan; i do not have the job/salary i thought i'd have; i do not live in the place i thought i'd live; my new friends have become a grouping of very odd/different personalities; on the whole i am not a happy camper.

i feel like i am just maintaining. Nothing exceptionally grand has happened.  in short God is sustaining me, and i can't say that i'm fond of this place He has me. See the idea of eternity is a very burdensome concept to not only understand, but accept. Eternity feels like eons away. i can't compare eternity to anything, and its not tangible to me.


When i was 12 i started to become more rebellious. The rod was not spared from me. This one particular time, i remember having a conversation with myself. As my mother went for the belt, and i followed, i began to think
"This is only temporary pain, and i will not give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry"

i became incessantly bold, and with my head high, shoulders squared i defiantly took my punishment. Just as i had determined, it was short, temporary pain. I turned to leave the room, and gave an obstinate "hhmmpf". i could feel my mother's anger beginning to rise. That was the beginning of a new type of punishment...grounding.

 Right then i understood that there will be painful things that happen to us, but its only temporary. So why do i struggle so much when considering suffering. Romans 8:17 makes it transparent that suffering will happen, and as children of God this is part of our journey, but its temporary, and suffering is not how it ends for us. The verse goes on to say that we are co-heirs, and will share in Christ's glory. That is the hope that I cling to. i'm not in this alone.  i have a big brother who completely understands what i'm dealing with, and one day the suffering of this broken world will cease.



  

Friday, September 13, 2013

i'm not where i want to be. i thought this was what i wanted; now i'm just confused. i really just want to be in the right place. Spiritually, financially, job wise, relationships (this includes friends).

I feel like what i've thought i wanted to do is changing. i'm not happy. not that my level of happiness is an accurate barometer, but this is not fulfilling. i felt like i was helping to change people's lives in my past positions, and i don't feel that way at all now.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

i have this image of what my life should look like. For years i wanted to Jordan, Nia Longs character in the best man. You know young, successful, and attractive. Jordan lived the life i saw myself living. New York, pursuing my PR dreams\while writing for a hip hop focused magazine. Its been 6 years since i finished undergrad, and to be quite honest my life looks nothig like tha
t, and some part of me feels like i'm missing out. my life movie, in my head, i see me strutting down a NY sidewalk, to some beautifully architectured high rise where I work on a floor with an amazing view, surrounded by pretentious people pretending to be something they're not. All the while i have found some magical way to be true to self, and still accepted. There are days i wake up and say, is this how you wanted your life to go? living in Denton Tx, working in higher education??? i know i can get up and go pursue these things, but there is such a mental war that takes place. On the one hand, i am passionate about higher education, and finding ways to bridge the educational gap among Black students. Then on the other side, i know if i go and bust my butt and pay my dues, i could be an amazingly successful PR/writer. One will bring me success as defined by society, hell myself, but will probably cost me a piece of myself. The other, more noble, and i'd have a chance of remaining humble. the third dream is to do both. Get my bearings in higher ed; then go on to explore how the two could be combined. we'll see how this thing plays out.

freedom aint free

The Road to debt freedom is paved with obstacles. Remember, this is not forever, and it is for your benefit. These three years will go by quickly and in the end you will look back and say it was well worth it. You will have moments where you will shout life is not fair, or, I wish I just had what someone else had. Well life is not fair according to your standards, and you don’t have what others have. And remarkably none of this is negative. Your experiences and challenges will continue to mold you into the person you are becoming. Three years from now you will say this was not easy, but you did it. You are creating habits that will benefit not only yourself, but your family. You are preparing a future for your posterity, and that is priceless. So today while you are hopeful and excited about this journey remember, you will have days where you will scream, and cry, and be frustrated, but it is all a part of the process. Record your feelings and thoughts. Note your progress, and reward yourself in healthy ways. Rewarding yourself does not mean you buy something new all the time, it may be sharing your experience or reflecting on where you’ve come from. No this is not how you pictured your life, but it’s the hand you’ve been dealt. So play your hand, make wise choices, ask for guidance from the Holy Spirit, and allow yourself to be stretched. Allow yourself to grow, especially in those moments where you feel as if you are not moving forward. Don’t think short term, remember slow and steady wins the race; this is a marathon not a sprint. Read this often. Create a board or wall (you used to laugh at this, but now it makes sense) that represents the things you’d like to accomplish, and be open if these things change. Good luck girl, you can do it!! Look how much you’ve done already!!! Porshe LaChelle Chiles July 9, 2013

Grown Up

So I’ve received my first installments of loan repayments. Yes, plural, 3 loan bills came in the mail. Now usually I would go into panic mode, but you know what…why. I owe up of 70k in student loans, and though that’s a lot of money, I created this debt and I intend on paying it back. Yes, some of the money used unwisely, but some of it was used to help my family, fund 2 degrees, and was helpful in emergency situations. All in all, were all my years of school and the experiences that came with it worth 70K? Yes, hell yes. I have 2 degrees, a lifetime of memories, great friends, and experiences that have shaped who I am today. With that said today begins my journey to get out of debt. I have already made steps to decrease my expenses, and after seeing the reality of my debt situation, I must take even more drastic steps to get rid of this debt. I read that this guy paid back 90K+ in student loans in 3 years. His salary was six figures, but if I buckle down, I’d like to see my student loans gone in the same amount of time. I plan to meet with a financial advisor, or someone who is well versed on repayment options. http://nomoreharvarddebt.com/ This is an area that I cannot fault on. This is not weight loss, it debt freedom, and I want to be free from this by the time I’m 33. So here it goes

Thursday, June 20, 2013

It is Finished!!!

 I graduated with my Masters in Education, I am the first person in my family to get a masters degree.

Change

Time really flies by. This time 2 years ago I was packing my bags getting ready to leave Japan. Now i've: earned a Master's Degree, lived in DC for a summer, met some amazing people, rekindled some friendships, cried, laughed, turnt up, asked God why, thrown my hands up, fought, held up my white flag and surrendered to God, struggled, hugged and kissed my nieces & nephews, been to Las Vegas twice, lost weight; then gained some of it back, realized what i want is not necessarily good for me, been to Puerto Vallarta, zip lined in the mountains, scuba dived, rode a donkey, been to Nashville, had some of the best Tequila in the world (in my opinion), had 2 car accidents (neither my fault) got rid of a car, got another car(i love you lex luther), saw family i hadn't seen in 10 years, went to San Francisco, Sacremento, & Napa Valley, Went to my first NFL game then got to meet the players, saw Nas & Lauryn Hill in concert, went to a private event where the former Secretary of State Hillary R. Clinton officiated, met a Nobel Peace Prize Winner, went to Louisville KY, met John Legend, Dan Savage, Condoleeza Rice, lost a baby that was close to me, joined an amazing church, lived with multiple people two different times (smh), soon I will witness two of my closest friends taking a major step in marriage, and 2013 isn't even half over....


And some things have not gone my way, but things have turned out just the way they were supposed to. 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

trust issues

hi my name is Msinformed, and i have trust issues...whew feels good to get that off my chest.

my trust issues are linked to my father ~ long story short:
 daddy's girl > he cheated; then left > i don't trust men > i don't trust God.

i think ive done a decent job of not allowing past hurts to stop me from being successful in most areas of my life, but there are a few places that have been affected:
1. Relationship with God
2. Relationships with men (this includes friends, family, boyfriends, etc.)
3. the need to prove my worth

A friend of mine recently said, " Self assessment and self awareness are kinda useless if I can't make adjustments. Kinda just an exercise in philosophical braininess if I don't edit and advance my character." 
~ Lovey

And that's where i've found myself. i am very much aware of my flaws and can even tell you where they stem from, but for the life of me, i haven't been able to figure out how to move past this part of my self assessment.  And maybe that's the problem, i've been trying instead of trusting that only God can bring about the necessary changes.






Wednesday, May 1, 2013

sex lies & other stuff

There was a time when having sex with 1 person meant something. Now days finding someone who has only had 1 sexual partner is only more challenging than finding a virgin. i'm not saying that there isn't something 'sacred' about saving yourself for marriage, but  would i go back and change when i lost my virginity, no.

i had a conversation with someone last night and i explained that sex to me is just that...sex. Dogs do it on the side of the road, camera crews film the mating habits of gazelles, and for the low, low price of $19.99 one can purchase the viewing rights to individuals in the act.

So for me, the physical act of sex, does not move me to love. i don't think my soul is tied to a person based on one physical act. By no means should i be the measuring stick for anything, my past experiences and actions were influenced by a lot of dysfunction. But do i feel anyway tied to a young man i had a physical relationship to when i 19, heck no.

What does move me is intimacy. spending time with someone and truly getting to know them. Learning their fears, goals, set backs, family function/dysfunction, favorite food, movie, song; learning his family nick name, and swearing not to share it with anyone else; sharing my family frustrations, explaining why i cope the way i cope; disclosing all the past hurts, and finding in solace in them accepting those ugly parts of me.

 Those are the things i fall in love with. Don't get me wrong, whomever i marry sex will definitely be a major part of our relationship, but only  a part of it.

 My marriage will not be defined by the number of times my partner and i have sex.in a week. it will be defined by our conversations' how we pull through difficulties; knowing that he will hate me some days and i likewise; how we raise our children; our relationships with our in laws; memories of our earlier times together, and the hope of our future together.

Again i'm not saying that my view is right, i'm just sharing my view.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

DC pics










Rude Girl

im a mean girl, and i can't tell you when it started. The older i've gotten i've noticed i am not only mean, but judgemental, and rude. And its bad, really bad. If i'm angry its not just addressing my anger its dismembering whomever i fault for my anger, verbally.
This is a problem for 3 reasons:
1. behaving in this way usually is an attempt to feel better about my self
2. i'm not building up the body of Christ with my behavior
3. idk what people are dealing with, and my words/actions are damaging (i'm 99.9% sure)
4. i don't extend grace to others, even thought i desperately need it extended to me

This issue has been brought up to me before, but more recently a friend sincerely sat down and talked to me about it.  Truthfully there are many areas in my life that i'm not content with, bringing someone else's faults/struggles is a way to take attention off of myself.

Heart Issue
This isn't just a lesson in being kinder. This flaw questions my heart. I know we are evil people with ugly hearts, but what heart issues do i desperately need to address?


In the mission of becoming more Christ-like i am finding that my dark heart has so many areas that need to be addressed. Sometimes it becomes overwhelming looking at the list of places i need transformation. No one thing is bigger than any other, as they all construct who i am. I struggle on how to address these flaws from a Christ centered stance bcs. i feel  like there are just soooo many things to fix, wherever would i start.

i'm blessed to have friends who love me enough to bring these things to my attention, and are willing to walk with me during this time

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Trusting His heart, bcs i don't understand

Yesterday friends of mine lost their  baby boy. He'd just turned one last week, and today i sat by while they made funeral arrangements.

i don't profess to know or understand everything, that'd be foolish, but this is...i don't understand this.  You're sovereign, You're omniscient, You're a Healer, You're omnipresent, and i know You are and were more than capable to heal him, but with everything in me i don't understand why you didn't. You've raised dead men, made blind see, and changed hearts...so why not him? Why not this baby?

i'm confused, lost, hurt, angry, sad, and still in shock.


R.I.P baby Chase

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Playoffs baby Texan

This weekend was fantastic!!! i went to  my first NFL game thanks to Houston Texans' Safety Quintin Demps and his lovely wife. We got to meet other players and hang out in the VIP waiting area.

This weekend was just great, it was a wonderful kick-off to a new year!!

i've been applying for jobs, and feel like i've found a near perfect job for me. I am expecting amazing things to happen this year, because i  will go out and make amazing things happen!


So excited about this year!!!!!
Passionate about my life

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

NEw year no resolutions

i hate new year's resolutions. i don't do it, bcs. quite frankly i can't commit. There is one thing i can commit to, it's doing what i have to do to get where i want to get. i graduate in 5 months so now i'm focused on applying for jobs and planning on not trying to plan my life out (it makes no sense).  i also have my 30 things to do before 30 list to complete. This year has already started out rocky, and Jan.1 is not over.