Monday, April 7, 2014

downward spiral

This has not been easy.  We're stuck in a repetitive,  destructive, yet comfortable cycle. i say we're done, and we are for about a week. Next thing i know we're in the same place again. Monday morning, i'm tired, drained, sad, hurt, frustrated, and left wanting.
so all of my exes are married. its not that part that bothers me. what hurts is that i'm the common denominator as to why it didn't work. they all found a way to make things work with other people. so here i am again, desperately trying to figure out wth is wrong with me? what am i deficient in?  what am/do i doing/do wrong? what is so awful about me that the idea of committing to me makes them run?
These are the questions that plague/burden me most days. These are the questions that make my single life unbearable. These are the questions that make me comb through each memory, trying to pinpoint just what i did or didn't do, what i said or didnt say.

i'm exhausted, yet i go back.  Because in those moments i don't feel deficient, or broken, or unwanted, or unloved, or second best.  Those moments help me get through the week, even though i know they're manufactured. Even though i know Monday morning i will be in worse shape than i was before. Even though i know he will do the same as the others.

Monday, March 17, 2014

finally figrued it out

ive had the hardest time freeing myself of him. i could not for the life of me figure out why. i've pushed him away so many times, and always end up back at square one.  it finally hit me that i'm that girl that i said i never wanted to be. it's embarrassing, not to mention pathetic, but i've finally figured out the root for my addiction to him.

I can be myself. i'm me with him. whatever i feel like saying i can say. whatever i feel like doing i can do.  w/o the worry of being judged or laughed at or berated for.  and my God it feels....freeing.  yes the very thing i'm bound to frees me. it makes no sense. Because i feel free to be me, i want him to have the same freedom. Where nothing said or done is judged. i want him to have the same freeing  feeling when he's around me.

i can't even articulate this feeling well. i'm not doing it justice.   i've only felt this way with one other person.  i don't know what happens next with this. it will probably end badly, but if i could share this with the masses i would.

so just in case, this is it, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be myself with you.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Jesus is what i need

*Deep Sigh* i'm in a place i don't want to be. Doing a job that i really don't want to do. Getting paid far less than degree and experience should allow. Why am i here? Because this is where God has me. 

That last statement has been one of THE most difficult things for me to come to terms with. i'm in this place, making very little money, working harder than i should, because God has me here.  Everything in my being wants to pack up and get the hell out of here, but the Holy Spirit continues to remind me that i have been called to be obedient.

i'm so tired of where i am i spend most of my time looking for jobs. So this morning as i prayed a cried (my usual routine now) i begged the Holy Spirit to reveal what/why God has me in this less than favorable place.

i felt compelled to go and watch messages i'd missed from church, and i'm listening, and crying, and at minute 42 i heard what God wanted me to hear. This is also what i struggle with most.

Yet compelled, driven,by the Holy Spirit, once again saying goodbye to some of the closest friends I
had, some of the people I loved most deeply, those I walked in community with, who I was confessing to, who were encouraging my faith... For the third time , I said goodbye to those friends, who were going to continue to travel the world, and moved up here.  I Throughout all of those moves, what I needed to be reminded of was not that this success in this moment is God's validation that I'm walking in obedience, but rather Christ himself is the treasure. Less money and smaller crowds aren't God's judgment or a sign of a lack of success, but rather, if I get more of Jesus with less money and smaller crowds, then it's not a loss; it's a win.need the Spirit to remind me of this all the time. I needed him to remind me of it this morning as I walked out here, lest I shrink back in fear for my desire to be approved of by you. I need the Holy Spirit to remind me Jesus is what I need. Jesus validates me. Jesus is my all. I need the Holy Spirit to constantly remind me of this. This is how we become witnesses under the power of the Holy Spirit. We confess with our lives that Jesus is Lord. We begin to do ministry as Jesus did, walking with, working with, loving on the least of these, and we are constantly reminded of the goodness and mercy of Jesus as our greatest pursuit and greatest treasure. So there's the power , and there's the purpose:them being witnesses.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Why don't you love me?

so it didn't work. you'd think i'd learn, stop being a glutton for punishment. all i keep asking myself is, 'why don't they want me?

So as usual, its on to the next big thing. move, get another degree, travel, something. Anything to take my mind away from the embarrassment. hurt.

What's so awful about me? that i should just begin to expect this. 

Thursday, February 20, 2014

rat race

Life is a roller coaster. Thrilling take offs, painful jerks, and terrifying drops.  After i graduated, while most people are adamantly searching for employment, i told God, i'd be ok if I didn't have a full time job. Well i got a job. i've been full time for 5 months, and i feel more stressed out here than in Japan, and there i lived through the Great Japan Earthquake.  how was that less stressful than this??

Friday, December 13, 2013

Thank God for the Holy Spirit

Beyonce dropped an album last night, w/o warning or publicity.  Today i find myself comparing every part of my life to this woman. She is Beyoutiful, amazingly talented, and has a body of a  goddess. and here i stand pretty (but not Beyoutiful), smart (but not super talented), and a body i'd trade with her in a minute.

i mean i really got worked up. i'd allowed myself to get wrapped up in this person. Some1 i don't know, and will probably never meet. i mean i began questioning everything i'd done/not done. looked up cosmetic surgeons. researched PR firms in NYC. Was on the edge of tears thinking my God i'm not as pretty or talented as this woman. my grown 29 yo self felt like a 15year old teenager.

Thank God for the Holy Spirit. i was reminded that i was made in the image of God. Knitted together just the way He wanted me. Designed fulfill His purpose for my life, like only i can do. That i was created to mimic after the person hood of Christ. That Christ is the perfect example, and i am called to follow Him.  That operating outside of the will of God is asking for detriment. That pursuing a life outside of Christ is damnation.  That only what is done for Christ will last. That all of this is temporary. That one day Beyonce will be all but forgotten, and as popular, as she is, that its all temporary vanity. 

whew, i almost lost it

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Young, Dumb, and full of...

Had a convo with my brother tonight. usually i think his advice would be best used on someone else, but not tonight. He got me thinking. Why was i attracted to a certain type of guy?
A really good guy friend once told me that I was attracted to projects. I like to fix people problems. Well I like to attempt to fix  people problems. That always resulted in failure.
But there was this one guy. We’ll call him Mr. Smith. This man was a man. With all of the others I had something over them. I was smarter book wise, older, had a better handle of money, and career focused. Not this one, he was a few years older, welltraveled, not intimidated, and taught me things, that no one else ever had.
He taught me how to buy a dress shirt for a man, how to tie a tie, that panties and bras should match lol, and other things I won’t mention here. He would drive an hour one way just to spend time with me and then drive me back an hour home.
He cooked for me all the time and I don’t mean fried bologna and eggs. Once he made cheesecake for me from scratch, it was sooo good.
 He made me want to be better. He challenged me. Made think beyond books…and I want that back.
I was too young then, and didn’t realize what I was losing. We ended amicably, and ran into each other a year later. By then I’d changed too much, I wanted to show I was over him (i wasn’t).
Mr. Smith is married now. Heard he has 2 kids. I’m happy for him.